What If Your Sex Life Didn’t Depend on Your Sex Drive?
Not everyone feels “in the mood” right away… and that’s completely normal.
There’s this widespread idea that sexual desire should just show up out of nowhere, like flipping on a light switch. But for many people, that’s simply not how it works. And when we don’t talk about that openly, it’s easy to internalize the belief that something in us, or in our relationship, is broken.
But what if I told you that your sex drive doesn’t tell the whole story?
There are two common types of desire:
Spontaneous desire is when you feel sexual desire before anything sexual happens. It just appears when you’re bored, daydreaming, or walking past your partner in the hallway.
Responsive desire is when desire emerges after your body and brain are already in a space that feels emotionally or physically stimulating. You might not start out in the mood, but once you feel safe, connected, or touched, desire begins to show up in response to that experience.
Both are normal. Both are valid. And most people fall somewhere along a spectrum between them, with that balance shifting during different ages and stages like stress, parenting, hormone changes, trauma, or aging.
Beyond Desire: What’s Getting in the Way?
Another helpful framework is the dual control model of sexual response. Think of your brain as having both:
A “Go” button (the sexual accelerator that responds to anything your brain interprets as exciting or erotic), and
A “Stop” button (the sexual brakes that responds to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be aroused (e.g. stress, shame, body image worries, distractions, unresolved conflict, trauma history, etc.)
For most people who are struggling with desire, it’s more helpful to gently ease off the brake rather than hit the gas harder.
This helps explain why you might love your partner and still not feel like being intimate. The instinct is often to just try harder but here’s why that often backfires:
Pressure activates the brakes. When someone already feels disconnected or overwhelmed, added pressure can increase anxiety, self-judgment, or resentment. All of these trigger the brain’s braking system, making arousal and desire even less likely.
A performance mindset disconnects people from the real goal of pleasure. When the focus becomes “doing it right” or “making something happen,” it shifts attention away from being present, connected, and attuned to your body or partner. This can kill whatever spark is there.
It reinforces the idea that something’s wrong. If you're treating low desire like a problem to solve, it can create panic that leads to more distance and less intimacy.
So, in short: when desire is low, more pressure = more shutdown. What works better is curiosity, safety, and creating space for connection and focus on pleasure… not forcing a fix.
In Therapy, We Explore This Gently and Thoroughly
Here’s how we begin:
Psychoeducation: Just understanding that spontaneous and responsive desire, or brakes and accelerators even exist, can reduce tension, shame, and blame. It also shifts the conversation away from “What’s wrong with me?” toward “What do I enjoy?”
Exploring patterns: We look at how your desire has shown up (or not) over time. What’s changed? What’s stayed the same? This might include life transitions, attachment style, stress, trauma, physical health, or your relationship dynamic.
Communication tools: Many couples struggle to talk about desire without triggering defensiveness or shame. Therapy gives you new language for how to say “I want to feel close, but I’m not there yet” or how to hear “not now” without assuming rejection.
Creating conditions for connection: Especially with responsive desire, the focus ideally is on creating space for connection through non-sexual touch, rituals of closeness, affection without expectation, and redefining what intimacy looks like.
Addressing deeper blocks: Sometimes desire is tangled up with body image, emotional disconnection, past trauma, or chronic stress. We work on those, too. In a way that’s compassionate rather than pathologizing.
A Final (Important) Note:
Sex doesn’t have to be a priority to be valid. It’s perfectly normal for desire to ebb and flow (or even disappear) for periods of time. Your relationship isn’t doomed, and you aren’t broken. Nor is it a problem to be the person in the relationship who wants it more. The imbalance in desire doesn’t equal an imbalance in love and adoration.
We don’t need “fix” you. But we will get curious about what supports your connection. This might include sex (or not). But it will definitely include a space where you and your partner feel safe, respected, and understood.
If this topic feels overwhelming or confusing, you’re not alone. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. Therapy can help you sort through it with curiosity, compassion, and zero shame. Reach out.
