Are Boundaries About Control?
Let’s clear something up: A boundary is not a rule for someone else to follow. It’s not an ultimatum. And it’s not about punishing or changing your partner’s behavior.
A real boundary is something you choose to do to protect your own well-being, energy, or values. It’s not dependent on how someone else acts and it’s something you can uphold, even if the other person never changes.
Boundaries Start With You
The point of setting a boundary isn’t to make your partner talk differently, act better, or fix something for you. The point is to clearly name what isn’t working for you and to take action to protect yourself or the relationship.
It might sound like:
“This is getting overwhelming. I need a break. Let’s come back once we’ve both had a chance to cool down.”
“I’m having a hard time with how loud this conversation is getting. I’m happy to keep talking, but I need us both to speak more respectfully.”
“Last-minute changes really throw me… I just need more of a heads up so I’m not scrambling.”
Each of these examples centers on your own limits and needs - not focused on blaming the other person.
The Difference Between a Boundary and a Demand
Here’s a quick way to spot the difference:
A demand sounds like: “You need to stop talking to me like that.” A boundary sounds like: “If you continue talking to me like that, I’m going to take space because it doesn’t feel respectful.”
One tries to control the other person. The other takes responsibility for your own actions, grounded in self-respect.
Boundaries are what create the conditions for safety, respect, and vulnerability. And that’s what makes intimacy possible. Without them, couples either avoid hard conversations, or blow up during them.
Boundaries Don’t Have to Be Harsh
There’s a misconception that strong boundaries are rigid or cold. But healthy boundaries actually support closeness. They create clarity. They help both people know where the lines are and how to stay in connection without crossing them.
A boundary says:
“I want to stay connected. But I also want to feel safe.”
“I care about you. But I also need to take care of me.”
“I’m willing to work through this. But I won’t do it in a way that harms us.”
In Therapy, We Build Boundaries That Work
Whether you’re the person who avoids setting boundaries because you don’t want to upset anyone, or the person who only sets them once things have already escalated, we can work on that.
Together, we can explore:
Where your boundaries come from
How you’ve been taught to ignore or override them
What healthy limits sound like for you, in your words and your voice
How to express your needs without blame… and how to respond when your partner does the same
Because boundaries aren’t just a social media buzzword. They’re one of the most important skills in a lasting, respectful relationship.
And they’re something we can practice. Without shame, and without the expectations that you’ll do it “just right” off the bat.
If you want help figuring out what boundaries make sense in your relationship, I’d love to support you.
