Losing Your Sense of Self

One day during a session with my therapist I said, “It’s like I’m a light on a dimmer. I’m not completely dark, but I’m dimmed and it’s hard to see things brightly.” I was a mom to a toddler and infant and was experiencing a profound and relentless disconnection from myself. I loved my family. I loved the life I had created. I was successful, had purpose, and had joy. Yet I was also sad and mourning a version of myself that was no longer allowed to exist. I was, in many ways, a stranger to myself and longed to reclaim my essence - who I was outside of “mom.”

I recall so clearly, in those early days of motherhood, going through the motions of my daily roles and responsibilities and doing it really well, yet still feeling disconnected and like something was missing. Some part of me was missing. It was isolating - lonely. Yet, I was rarely alone (mostly because of being stuck at home 24/7 with my family during a worldwide pandemic). But I missed someone as if I hadn’t seen them in a really long time. And sure, some of it was missing other people in my life that the pandemic kept at least 6 feet away from me, but when I was really honest with myself, the person I missed most was me.  

Why Does This Happen?

While it certainly played a role, I can’t blame it all on the pandemic. Losing one’s sense of self often happens during major life transitions or when entering new stages - even ones that aren’t as major as what we experienced in 2020. Life transitions like becoming a parent, changing careers, ending a relationship, or moving to a new place - they disrupt your routine, your sense of stability, and the roles you've grown accustomed to. They force you to confront changes in your identity, which can be unsettling and disorienting. Other times, the loss of self can be more gradual, creeping up on you as the demands of daily life take over. You might find yourself prioritizing everyone else’s needs above your own, slowly losing touch with what makes you, you.

So… it’s actually Depression?

Now you may be asking yourself, did you just describe depression? Losing your sense of self and experiencing depression can feel quite similar, but there are some key differences. When you've lost your sense of self, you might still feel a range of emotions but feel disconnected from who you are and what you value. Depression, on the other hand, often comes with persistent sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest in almost everything. While losing your sense of self can make you feel confused about your identity and direction, depression can affect your concentration and lead to persistent negative thoughts. Physical symptoms like changes in sleep, appetite, and energy levels are more common with depression. Positive events might help when you're feeling lost, but they often don't make a difference if you're depressed.

It’s Not a Personality Flaw

It’s important to understand that losing your sense of self is a normal part of the human experience, especially during periods of change. This doesn’t mean you’re failing or broken. It’s not a personality flaw - but usually a sign of an unmet need. You’re human, and feeling lost happens to everyone. It’s okay to feel scared and uncertain. It’s okay to grieve the loss of who you once were, while also feeling hopeful for who you might become.

So What Now?

Give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling and to understand that this too shall pass. Surround yourself with people who support and understand you. Seek out stories and voices that resonate with your experience. Allow yourself to explore new interests and rediscover old passions at your own pace. Explore your values to help you prioritize. (Check out my FREE Values Workbook) If you're feeling lost right now, know that it's okay. You are not alone, and this feeling doesn't define you. It’s a sign that you’re growing, even if it’s uncomfortable. Give yourself grace. Your sense of self will return, and you might find that it’s even stronger than before.

Would love to learn about your experiences and thoughts in the comments below!